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Substance Abuse, Relapse, and Recovery - Donna Howard

Jul 04, 2021

After 17 years sober Donna Howard relapsed. She stumbled but did not fall. Donna shares her story of substance abuse, relapse, and recovery this time on the Behavioral Corner.


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Ep. 57 - Donna Howard Podcast Transcript

The Behavioral Corner 
Hi, and welcome. I'm Steve Martorano. And this is the Behavioral Corner; you're invited to hang with us, as we've discussed the ways we live today, the choices we make, the things we do, and how they affect our health and wellbeing. So you're on the corner, the Behavioral Corner, please hang around a while.

Steve Martorano 
Hey, everybody, welcome to the Behavioral Corner. I'm Steve Martorano, hanging out, as I do, here on the Corner, where we run into all kinds of terrific people who have wonderful stories to tell us about behavioral health, or associated with behavioral health. And then we'd like to share with you behavioral health for those of you who are following along at home, as a big topic. It boils down to basically the decisions we make, and the things we do in our lives, and the effect they have on our emotional or physical, or spiritual well-being. So that's what we discuss. Every now and then we like to reach back into the origins of this program, which were basically a substance abuse program, and treatment and talk a little bit about that the stories of substance abuse and recovery, I like to say are all the same, except they're different. And we will find out that that's true again, today. Also, give you another little thing I'm fond of saying and that is all cliches are true. That's how they become cliches because they are true. And this is one of the more enduring cliches you'll ever hear -- and that you've heard this a million times: "If at first, you don't succeed. Try try again." That's a right old cliche. It's very true when we talk about the specifics of relapse in terms of getting sober. To that end, we welcome Donna Howard to the program. She joins us from the nation's capital, Washington, DC, and she's going to share with us her story about substance abuse, sobriety, and relapse. Donna, welcome to the Behavioral Corner. Nice to have you.

Donna Howard 
Thank you, Steve, like you said I'm from the nation's capital. But I originally I'm from Newport News, Virginia.

Steve Martorano 
Oh, wait -- Philadelphia who knows Newport because of your favorite son, Allen Iverson.

Donna Howard 
Yes, that's right. Michael Vick.

Steve Martorano 
Right! Mike Vick!

Donna Howard 
Yeah, so, I was raised in a very religious upbringing, I was a foster child. Substances and those different types of things were not available in my home, you know, I had to go outside of my home to find those kinds of things. But you know, something that's going on on the inside of you, as a child that you really don't understand, and you feel, you know, less than, not wanted, rejected, and a whole lot of other things not fitting in, and those kinds of things like that, you know, being taken advantage of, and different kind of ways. So, I didn't understand those things at the time. But I did start to use substances at the age of 13. To make myself feel better. To be able to express me better because I was very sh and those different kinds of things like that to fit in, and to be a part of, you know, the group and everything. So I went into the military, I'm a veteran. So I went into the military. Going into the military, you know, there's a lot of drinking and a lot of other extracurricular activities associated with drinking. Partying and things like that. So I still continued on in the scene, you know. When I get out of the military, which was in 1989, my last tenure in the military, I got out, I came back home and, you know, tried to get a job and I went to school became a licensed practical nurse. But I still drank. I don't know how I did it. But I drank and I became the Clinical Excellence Award in that school. And I got real top grades. So I don't know how I did it. But I did it.

Steve Martorano 
You had one of those problems that I've heard a lot of people have, you are high functioning,

Donna Howard 
High functioning very much. So in 1992, I came to Washington DC, my mother had died. So I came here with my aunt and I tried to stay on that path of getting my life. Right. And that was 1992. And I had a little spill, maybe a year or so afterward. My first bout with treatment was in 1995. at the VA Medical Center. I went to the last 28-day inpatient program. I got out there I went to transition. After I got a job. I got my nursing license for DC transferred over from Virginia. And I said I don't need you, people, anymore. You know, so I went on my merry little way because I thought I had God. I had religion. And to suffice, it did me pretty good for a little bit of time. And I will say 17 years, with no connection with anyone about recovery, or I just stayed away from the people that I used to associate with those things and just stayed around my family and the church people.

Steve Martorano 
And you were able to be sober for 17 years.

Donna Howard 
17 years.

Steve Martorano 
Yeah, see, now, this is the kind of stuff we got to get into because that scares the hell out of a lot of people. They think, "Wow, she could relapse anyone can." So after the 17 years, you have you slip up and you have a relapse, thinking back now, was there an event or something going on in your life?

Donna Howard 
Well, I'll tell you, and 2006 my daughter, a middle daughter, she was 25 years old, and my grandson, he was seven. They died in a car accident. 

Steve Martorano 
That's horrible. 

Donna Howard 
I dealt with it, I thought, the best way I knew how. But as years went on, I started to have some grief and loss. And I started to grieve and I talked to the people who I was around about my grief. They weren't able to understand or listen to what I had to say. And just brushed over it with the minimum of concern. And so I recently went to the VA, and I got some assistance with them. And I got into a relationship. Now that's one thing there. The relationship turned out to be toxic, abusive, domestic violence, and those different types of things that went back to using. That was in 2013. I lost my job in 2015. And I had to go for...when I lost my job in 2015 I just went back to another no treatment, but it was outpatient. So I thought I had fixed the problem. They told me to get out of that abusive relationship. Eventually, I ended up back in a relationship. Because that was all I knew that was comforting to me. And because my family and the other friends and stuff they didn't understand this person seemed to understand or to listen. 

Steve Martorano 
Sure. 

Donna Howard 
So um, well anyway, I lost my job and I ended up... I won a settlement for wrongful termination. And there was a considerable amount of money. And I went for almost over a year. So just splurging. I was angry at my job for firing me wrongfully. So sometimes anger and resentments and things like that can be a cause to go and relapse and to use because, in my mind, I've already been left thinking automatic negative thoughts. I go to the VA now. And they we use cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and you know how to set boundaries and to be assertive and that kind of things. I didn't know any of that. You know, I thought my way was the right way. So, this time in 2018, I went to inpatient, I went to Retreat, the VA sent me to retreat. I had never experienced anything like Retreat. They broke down my problem. I had a one-on-one psychologist, my therapists, and the groups, the small groups and large groups. And then we had yoga, mindfulness, meditation, drumming, gardening, and I worked in the kitchen. We went bowling, we did equine therapy with the horses. And we had a grief and support group, you know, so we did the artwork, we did dancing and, and so we did poetry and going out of photography in the woods and just exploring things that we like to do. But one thing was I had to talk about my grief and the things that I had gone through. And that was hard, and it was painful. Writing about it and talking to a psychologist and those kinds of things and then having your peers too, you know, evaluate you and we will have this little B.S. bell. And they will call B.S. on us if, you know, how are you aware you in your recovery right now? And I said, (unintelligible) and somebody called for me, but I'm like, What is that was right now. And so what I understood was being in the present moment, not thinking about down the road, you know, so...

Steve Martorano 
Sure, and they're tough rooms when you're in there because, you know, obviously, people who are abusing substances are pretty good at getting over on the outside world. But people who have been there and done that will spot it a mile away. 

Donna Howard 
Right.

Steve Martorano 
Oh, hold on. Let me back up a little bit here now. Because, you know, seems to me that when, you know, you relapse after a period of time that you did, it's pretty shocking and sad. But there were issues that I think had less to do with the horrible accident that occurred or even the toxic relationship that you correct me if I'm wrong, that may have gone back to the fact that you were raised as a foster child.

Donna Howard 
Right. And rejection, and abandonment. And it bothered me for so long, because one thing that I dealt with in treatment was, I was born Deborah Ann but my foster mother named me, Donna, and my natural mother kept for other siblings. So I couldn't understand why I was the only one that was given away. And when I tried to contact her, she wouldn't give me any information. And she said that my foster mother was my mother. So I carried that around that anger. So this is something that was placed in me from birth. The things that I unbeknownst that know, that was inside of me,

Steve Martorano 
Donna, how old were you when you were placed in foster care? 

Donna Howard 
Five days old.

Steve Martorano 
And when did you become aware that your foster mother was not your, your biological mother? How old were you? 

Donna Howard 
Well, I didn't really, you know, I just thought that's my mother, you know, and, but she had two sons, and they had children. So they were my cousins and all those things. And they would tell me that, you know, you're not really any relation to us. You know, look at our color, look at out here, look at yours so that they're like made me feel inferior and different. I dealt with all of those things, even before I even picked up a drink.

Steve Martorano 
So let me ask you, you have this early experience with abusing alcohol, go to the military still drink, managed to get through that get your license, your nurse and you measure through that have a 17 year period of sobriety and then relapse, find yourself in a treatment program that working was that the last relapse you had?

Donna Howard 
My last relapse was in 2019. I went from Retreat to Martinsburg, West Virginia. I went back to the homeless program. I said I'm not going back to, you know, this relationship. I'm not going back there. I got to West Virginia, and went to an (unintelligible) program, graduated from that program. I worked in compensation for therapy, got the job. And I didn't have a place to stay. You know, I had to leave but I couldn't find a place to stay. So someone offered me a place to stay. And I knew her from Washington, DC. I went to stay at that place while she was in the hospital. Drugs (unintelligible) paraphernalia, I'm like: Holy moly. 

Steve Martorano 
Here we go again. 

Donna Howard 
Here we go again. So I had nobody to help me to move or anything like that. So I call this ex and bam. Should have known. They reach out somewhere else to get some of that. But that was the quick fix. So he helped me do the move. He helped me do the cleaning. He did all of that. Not too long. She came out. And within a little bit of time, she was back to doing what she was doing. I was trying to stop her. And all of us ended up back in the same predicament. So, I lost my job in May. Because he was threatening me. And I'm you know because of the job and (unintelligible) job. He was taking my money and I was at work and all this stuff was going on. So I lost my job. They sent me to the psychiatric Institute of Washington that the hospital and (unintelligible) West Virginia because I didn't go to the VA because I worked there. And then from there in the back in DC and I ended up back at the treatment center at the psychiatric unit which was every time I relapse. I went to the psychiatric unit. They told me I have PTSD and that I had anxiety and depression. I kept telling them, "Something is wrong with me. Something is wrong with me." And in 2018 when I went to Retreat, the psychology They're told me I had bipolar. So I said bipolar? No, I've been to psychiatrists, and no one ever has told me I have bipolar. So I went to the VA. They say, "No, you don't have bipolar." That was in 2018. Well, when I went back in 2019, they said, the same psychologist, "You have bipolar." The same story I told him was the same thing he had all my records, and it was exact to a tee.

Steve Martorano 
Let me stop you right there because this is something that people who have been through this I've often endured, and that is either missed diagnoses or the wrong diagnoses...

Donna Howard 
...or refusing to accept. 

Steve Martorano 
That's my point. My point is that in spite of those unfortunate events, you were the one that finally went, you know, doesn't make any difference what they're calling me bipolar, stress, or whatever it is, I got to get this together. So what do you do now, every day, every day, to make sure you don't slip up again?

Donna Howard 
Every day, I show gratitude. This being grateful that I'm alive, that I'm clean and sober to God. You know, I understand Him that you know, my relationship with Him and what I've come to know Him to be and what I found out about myself. Meditation, being mindful, being aware of how I'm feeling, any emotions, or anything talking to someone about what I'm feeling when I'm not feeling so up to par. And sometimes I don't know what it is. But usually, if I talk about it, I go to meetings. Have my family is very supportive. And my daughter is very supportive. Because she was the one in 2019, who said, "Mom, I cannot help you. You need professional help."

Steve Martorano 
Yeah. And she saw you fall down once before. That's another factor that's common. You were lucky and that your family that people closest to you didn't give up on you.

Donna Howard 
Well, my daughter saw me for 17 years clean and sober. And she knew that was not me. And she knew that this relationship that I was in was not good. And she just did not give hope on me.

Steve Martorano 
Yeah, Donna Howard is our guest. She sharing with us our story of substance abuse throughout or otherwise successful life sheet. She's well educated, she was a nurse, she has multiple degrees. And yet, alcohol would pull her back down under, she's been sober now. I'm sorry, how long now? 

Donna Howard 
20 months, we'll be on the 29th.

Steve Martorano 
Going on two years, after a long, long bout with sobriety before that. So we know she can do this. She's talking to us about relapse because you're aware of this, Donna, what we want to impress upon people is it's not...it's like being in a race, I guess. You can stumble in a race. The only time the stumble becomes a problem is if you don't get back up. 

Donna Howard 
That's the truth. 

Steve Martorano 
So do you view a couple of relapses, you had fewer failures and more? Well, I stumbled, I got to get back up and finish...

Donna Howard 
Right. Someone wants to tell me when you fall, don't fall on your face, fall on your back. So you can look up and ask for help. Because if you fall on your face, you eat in the dirt. You know, you can't talk, you know, so, I mean, I always remember certain things that different ones, especially my elders had told me, you know, throughout the years and, and I remember those things. And even though it's like this, they call it like muster seeds, you know, small belief in something, I still kept that. What I do now is like, I stay in the middle of the hurt, I stay around people that are going the way that I'm going that are doing the things that I'm doing. And that's why I stay involved in the alumni and the Facebook group that we have. I help people that I see that are struggling along the way. Because I can't say that it's all about me. It's not all about me. This is not my doing. I didn't do it by myself. I had a lot of help. I had family and friends I had psychologists and I still do treatment in outpatient care at the VA. You know, we still go over these things, you know, then we have goals. Like a wellness recovery action plan where, like you're talking about mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual, different things under those goals that you can do that, that you attain these things.

Steve Martorano 
But you were lucky. In one sense, you had access, and we're smart enough to use the VA, you relapsed? What got back up and got back. Did you find it...and I guess maybe you might not be able to answer this, but there's a woman of color. Was it harder for you to think in some ways? Or is a race not matter at all?

Donna Howard 
Well, yes, because I'm, in our community, especially here in the DC area, there's a lot of drugs and alcohol and all kinds of things going on. But even though I didn't come from that kind of upbringing, I felt low. So I would just go to those areas, you know, I'm out in the suburbs, or places like that areas, you know, it's not as obvious to get to be in an inner-city. And, you know, you're a person of color and a female. And that, you know, because as a female, you can just get anything you want. Just being a female, you know, use those things to your advantage, whether it's natural instincts, which I use, you know, wrong or improperly to get where I want it. And I didn't like that. I didn't like that. Because of what my foster mother placed in me, morals, and things like that. It was not becoming of me, and I started to not like myself.

Steve Martorano 
Yeah, he's clearly recognized, no matter how bad things got for you. But there was something wrong with this. This was not who you were.

Donna Howard 
That is not who I am. It's not who I am. And I would tell myself this self-talk, even when you're in addiction, self-talk, you know, you're still talking. That's that inner voice on the inside is speaking to you. It might be real faint. But every now and then, if you pay attention to it, you'll hear what it's saying.

Steve Martorano 
Did you worry about relaxing now?

Donna Howard 
Do I worry about it? No, I don't worry about it. But I know that if I don't do what I'm supposed to do, and stay on it, that is so easy for me to relax. The only difference between right now and the 17 years is that I did not have a program. I did not have people that supported me with what I was doing and my wellness. And they would support me in the spiritual aspect. 

Steve Martorano 
Sure

Donna Howard 
But not in the physical, the mental, and the emotional aspect. That was the piece that I was missing. And, and medication. You know, I had a thing about taking medicine, you know, with these religious beliefs of my faith and God and healing and all that kind of stuff like that. But when I saw that I was getting worse, and I will see emotionally bankrupt and I had homicidal and suicidal ideations I said "I need help" from these people can't help me. I had to go to the professionals to get a specialization in this. My problem.

Steve Martorano 
It was on its a great story. It's a very hopeful story, even though relapse played a major part in it didn't defeat you. You should be an inspiration for people because you pick yourself back up, and you're carrying on. Finally, someone's listening who recognizes everything that happened to you and it's happening to them, what's the first thing they should do?

Donna Howard 
The first thing that they should do is seek some help and tell someone what they're going through. Not just a well, somebody who they can confide in, who will not judge them, who will not condemn them. And someone who does not have any attachment, like a psychologist or social worker...

Steve Martorano 
It can be anyone. It can be anyone you trust to be able to listen to your story.

Donna Howard 
Right? Have a trusted clergy.

Steve Martorano 
Well, Donna, you know, people who need advice in this sort of thing. I don't often take it but if they did, they should take it from folks like you. You know what you're talking about. I can tell just from looking at you that you're successful and happy and that's great. I know you're a member of Retreat's alumni group. So I'm sure we'll be crossing paths again. Donna, thanks so much for sharing. 

Donna Howard 
Thank you, Steve, for interviewing me. I really want to be a help and inspiration to someone.

Steve Martorano 
I'm sure you will. Donna Howard here on the Corner with us. Thank you all for your time as well. Don't forget, we're hanging there all the time.

Retreat Behavioral Health 

Every storm runs out of rain, according to the great Maya Angelou. Her words can remind us of one very simple truth that storms do cross our paths, but they don't last forever. So the question remains, how do we ride out this storm of COVID-19 and all the other storms life may throw our way? Where do we turn on issues such as mental health or substance abuse that begin to deeply affect our lives? Look to Retreat Behavioral Health, with a team of industry-leading experts. They work tirelessly to provide compassionate, holistic, and affordable treatment. Call to learn more today. 855-802-6600 or Retreat Behavioral Health where healing happens.

The Behavioral Corner 
That's it for now. And make us a habit of hanging out at the Behavioral Corner and when we're not hanging follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter on the Behavioral Corner.

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